The new national suicide prevention number
Four words that too some are meaningless and for others, this can be the difference between life and death. Four words that I have never had anyone tell me, after thirty-nine years of traveling around the sun and living a life made for a tv or a movie. These words were spoken to me by someone I least expected it from. Mental health is a bitch let me just drop that right here first, it's your best friend in a horror movie that seems never-ending. No matter how hard and fast you run away from it, this will follow you, it finds you in your secret place, and it finds you in the deep hole that you escape to. Mental health is the one person who never understands your life, and yet you've begged them to gain insight, just for a little moral support. It's the boogeyman that disrupts your sleep, it leaves you broken, bruised, and hopeless, it has you waking up and wishing that you didn't. It leaves you physically sick to your stomach, with your body shaking from the anxiety of hearing your phone ringing and the sheer terror of who may be on the other end is devastating. It takes everything from you, your thoughts, pains, pressure, happiness, joy, and self-worth, it leaves you questioning if you are that person, you question your ability to parent, and now you are up late at night crying in your secret place thinking how did I go wrong? What happened to me? It's a relentless cycle that torments you until you work through it, or you give up the fight. It is the most pivotal moment in someone's life when they're on the edge. It's a race between your thoughts of whether you stay or should I go, in that moment everything comes rushing into your mind all at once, the failure, the faults, the pain, the guilt, the thought of am I being selfish? How would my family feel? Will they even miss me? No, in your mind the same family that you're thinking of in what could be your last moments on this earth, and yet all you're thinking about is the letdown that no one NOT ONE person who means the world to you, would even give the world just to fight for you or with you. That feeling in the top of your stomach that becomes heavy with so much weight that you feel it in your throat, it's tight and it's hard to breathe, you start to shake because the pain is enough to cause cataclysmic destruction in the world, your heart, and mind races and now you're facing it all in this very moment, your searching for anyone, someone in your mind who would care, you find your kids and the thought of they only care by default, your all they've ever known to be there for every high and low, to them you are mommy, daddy, doctor, a judge, the jury, their lawyer, their chef, teacher, personal driver, therapist, psychic, their sports coach, the number one fan, also their personal stylist that is supposed to know what's in and pull their clothes accordingly. All the while your spouse is looking like what about me? They need you to be their counselor, the lover the one who can fix any and everything for them, to have all the answers they need. The first call in the morning and the last at the end of the day. They need you to be their peace, their reason to fight and provide for their family, you inadvertently become their mom when they need comfort from the past pains of others that they missed, its you that holds them when they break down when something triggers them and the pain for them is hard to carry, so you take that burden, you carry the load for them you assure them that no matter what you will always be there for them. You become their motivation coach, guide them when they can't see the way, you give them the insights and the fight to become more and more so you take that burden, you take the burden of missing love and through all of it you continually take their weight, but inside your slowly being weighed down from taking everyone in your life weight. Now we're back to the moment that brought you here to this point. You're expected to be the strong one, you have the kids to raise to ease the pains and burdens of your spouse to have the house cleaned and have dinner ready, the guilt of being so weighed down and paralyzed too this life that now the ideas of slacking off and not taking care of home or yourself is coming in like small tsunami's on the ocean. Its the culmination of not having it all done, not being able to support your spouse or partner in the ways that they need, it's seeing them slowly drift away and you can not help them because you are in this hole, and getting out seems impossible, all the while you're praying that someone sees you and steps in, but in reality, it's easier to walk past thinking to yourself that this is not your problem and you can't deal with their issues when you have your own shit you're going through. You display all the signs of a person on the edge but because no one ever thinks to check on the strong one you fall deeper into this hole.
The weight is unbearable, the guilt is eating you alive, and the choice to leave is greater than the choice to stay. with all these thoughts racing through your mind at once and trying to focus on what's important is just one thing that won't happen, no matter how hard you try. despair rushes in and it's overwhelming. Now that weight is in your mouth and your head is spinning, your sweating and panic sets in, now the thoughts of the happy times are crowded from the pain of failure, you've let your family down, and the words said to you start to flash in your mind and it quickly starts to fill up the empty spaces with the guilt that you are what these words are, the tears start to fall in this moment when you realize that you as this person does not deserve to walk this earth, your kids deserve a stable mommy not this ball of mess that is ready to leave it all and walk away from them. It feels like each tear is a 50-ton ball that is on fire as each tear burns as it touches your skin, but the pain is so surreal that it feels more like stings. You watch as the skin falls off and it's nothing to care about because no one cares anyway. Now your entire body is shaking because it's becoming clearer and clearer that you're not wanted or needed. The memories of time spent with your spouse or partner start to play over and over and knowing that even in your death the pain won't hurt them, you start to feel like in a dark way they would be relieved that they weren't the one who had to end the marriage or relationship, they would be happier with someone else. You go back to the moment you saw them pull away and drift to someone else for comfort and solace, you saw when they came home and were angered to be in the place that no longer gave them the joy of family, you see when they become more interested with the world outside of the placed that was once called home when their friends become more than friendship and lies and arguments come rushing in because the one who is giving them peace is no longer you, it's the thought that your friend, love, life, and part of your heart is no longer thinking of you, to know that they are being comforted by others instead of you is what hurts the worse, being able to see and feel this unfold and because your paralyzed and weighted all you can do is watch as they walk out the door, to be the person you've begged and cried for years only to have them be that to someone else for other people. The tears fall so fast that the pain is no longer felt. You think back on where you went wrong, what could you have done different, how you should have made yourself get up and do the things that you did before, now it's too little, too late, and then the anger comes in because inside all you wanted was for them to do the same for you as you've done for them. You can't breathe because the tears are choking you, you fight to push air out of lungs that quit working a long time ago, your choking in your car, and all you can do is lean outside the car and open your mouth to allow everything to just spill out, your stomach is cramping, you become light-headed and you can feel your heart racing in your throat as now your body enters fight or flight mode. Finally, it comes out in one lump of tears, pain, hurt, and let down and with that gasp of deep air, your body lets a sound of horror one that when heard its the last sound someone lets out in the moments before their death, you stumble out the car and your knees fall weak, at this point, you don't care who sees you or stops to help, your life is already over so reaching out is pointless. It's the middle of the night, and anyone who passes won't stop because no one wants to come across a body, You are worthless, it doesn't matter though because nothing else can further break what was already broken.
Laying on the ground in a puddle of tears, fighting to catch all the air around you, being light-headed there is nothing in your mind only time stands between you and your thoughts, you sit up, and for a moment in time, everything stops, no worries, no fear, no thoughts of the past, the pain, or the thoughts that led you to this point, it's nothing no longer blocking you. In this last moment, you flash a picture of seeing your kids sleeping peacefully in their beds, you hear their little voices saying "Goodnight mommy, I love you" before going off into their rooms to play games or watch tv, you grab your keys once their asleep, leaving a note for each of them by their bed in it you tell them that the pain will go away to never forget you, to remember the good times you had and to let them know that you're sorry for leaving them to fight this world alone, to carry anything, you give them the advice you wished someone gave you, you give them a few lessons on handling life and at the end, you remind that you are in a much better place where you can watch and guard them much better. You have the letters you plan on dropping off at the post office to be mailed to your sister, mother, and your therapist explaining how your gratitude for having them in your life, and you were sorry for leaving in this manner, you fought so hard to stay strong but it was too much to handle and there has to be a place where you can finally be at peace, where there is no pain anymore. Finally, you write a letter to the one who walked away with all of your shit and kept going. You're trying to find the words you're feeling, but all that comes up is the thought of filling the pages with angered words of hurt and let down, you want to leave it all on the line but you know that doing this, won't help, it won't open their eyes, it will only fill their mind with anger for you, they will only feel like you were selfish, not that you tried your hardest to fight for the what you thought was love when all along it was an illusion of the thought of love, not being in love with you. So all you write is please watch after the kids with a new love, you ask that you don't drill their personal beliefs of suicide into the kids and that instead, you encourage them to be open with their feelings and their voices, that it is ok to cry. You don't have the words to say anything else, so you end it with that. Then the fear of them reading your letter and being angered comes in and here you are again thinking of their feelings of them, thinking in your mind that when you said you loved me, you must of had your fingers crossed, wishing that you said it when you didn't have your fingers crossed.
Just when you're ready, and your mind is cleared you find peace knowing that you are about to get the rest you've been wanting, you put the car in drive and pull off from the park go up the road around the curve and you turn your car around so you have a long enough distance for the amount of speed you need to run straight into the trees at the end of the road. You sit there for a brief moment knowing this is it, you pray this last time for forgiveness and that you do not live and become more of a burden to your family and be more of a bother to them. You ask God to please let you not make it and through your tears, you beg him over and over to let you leave this earth. You press the pedal all the way to the floor the car swerves off and your seatbelt is off and your mind is clear, just as your passing the park your phone goes off and you look down to see a text from someone you least expect and you ignore it and press the pedal harder, then you yell out damn it ____ I can't read your text I'm sorry. Then in a crazy turn, Siri reads out the message and at the end, you hear "I love you and I NEED YOU HERE.
If anyone you know or don't know is struggling reach out, and let them you those four words. Often times we are so caught up in our own lives that we forget about others or we choose to ignore their loud cries that fall silent. Reach out, speak up, and stand up for mental health. People have become so ignorant of the bigger picture that they would rather watch someone fall to their battles and often times they are the first ones to rush to give judgment or advice to the person they choose not to help. This is the first time I have ever been so open and vulnerable with such a deeply private time in my life. I have burned the letters so all I kept was the envelopes that once held my love at my lowest. I keep the envelopes to remind me of where I was and where I never ever want to be again. I chose life and to fight this battle even if it meant fighting it alone, even if it meant walking in my purpose when I can't see what or where it leads, I chose to walk this journey blindly, physically and literally. I started this blog to journal my journey through vision loss, little did I know this blog would become my savior being able to share my life on these pages has been therapeutic and a sense of relief. I speak on my thoughts and experiences never on anyone to down them or to speak badly. This is my journey and my shit to let out, if it reaches you and helps in any way then I have done my purpose. I ask that if you comment be kind, and go easy on me.