Love, the gift and the curse...

What is the first thought that comes to mind when you think of what love is? What do you imagine? For me, it was the thought that I would be with someone forever, we would have 3 kids, ( as a child I wanted 7 boys.) That thought left after a few years, and as an adult, it became 3 maybe 5 if it were twins involved. I would live in a big house and have a swing set in the backyard, a dog 2 cars, and I was going to live in a neighborhood where people would wave as you drove by everyone with smiling faces, kids playing in their front yard, and there would be different groups of moms walking some groups were pushing strollers while others were walking fast, most likely gossiping about the other mom groups. (you have to have a little drama with the mamas) even though this reality is clearly my idea of what love and family are supposed to look like, it seems to be more based on a tv show or a movie or something to that effect. I was going to be Clair Huxtable and my spouse would be Cliff. As life changes and things happen so do the plans change. Let's face it nothing in life goes exactly to plan, you may have a few things that will go right and you start to feel the sensation of "You got it", that you have it figured out and you have the life you dreamed of and then BOOM something happens and you find yourself lost, stuck, or at a crossroad. Then what? You're sitting there thinking where did it go wrong? Are you willing to dig deep and search for it? Or are you the type to place the blame on someone else?

For me love had to be everything, it had to be ALL or NOTHING, it became a force that overtook every aspect of me. I started to change in ways where I no longer recognized myself. I started to let my ego become my basis for love. I wasn't practicing or living in pure love I was living in ego love. I started to use words of possession of love, I wasn't experiencing them totally and letting them be free. I had the notion that we are supposed to be together forever, and in no way is that a spiritual relationship. It's more like I love you and you loving me, we lift each other up through any times, not just the hard times but through it all EQUALLY, and if it ever became a time where either one of us was no longer inspired anymore by the other, and the need to possess the other is in your ego, now it's the need to control you, to demand their love and "Your mine", now you're in your ego, now at this point that's no longer love, it may be some love there, but you're operating more from your ego than a spiritual place of pure love. Let's be honest no one is truly yours, you can not possess a person, you can possess a house, a car, jewelry, and clothes but you can NEVER possess someone. That's not operating from a place of pure intent that is malicious intent of ego-driven love. Love is tricky and the reason why so few of us haven't mastered love is that it's a practice that you never master. Would you take a class from a master love guru? If so please tell me why in the comments. For me how can I allow someone to speak to me about love and how to achieve it when NOT ONE person on this earth has mastered love, the people that are or were the closest to the masters of love are the couples that have been married for 50 years or longer. Now they have the correct tools and the correct knowledge to spread, when you have been with someone that long, you have figured out the compromise. For me the compromise is still hard it's a daily task the thought of letting go and changing a piece of you, after all, that I have been through to me seemed life pure madness, it's just crazy.

It's the thought of conformity, its releasing and changing parts of you that pose a threat to your very existence to what you have either learned growing up or what you have figured out on your own. It's letting go of the beliefs that you have had since you were younger, it's how you survived, so the idea of releasing that type of love to anyone is scary to the core, it's the idea of opening up and giving someone the most precious parts of you and the trust that they will hold onto and protect the things that could destroy you, or at least knock you off your socks.


Chasing love is higher than chasing a drug, it is the want and need for that attention. For me, I was chasing love but on my terms, you had to love me but not too much, I wanted you to give me attention but not overdo it. I expected my partner to be the one to give me my happiness, you had to be able to make sure that I was happy and in turn, my life would be happy also, this is where I went wrong. I started to place blame on my partner for not giving me what I needed, and when that didn't happen I was angry, I felt like you're not doing your part, little did I know that I was the one causing issues, I was the one who wasn't seeing the bigger picture and seeing the path of destruction that I was leaving my family in and the hurt I was causing my children in the process. I felt like my children they are naturally supposed to give me happiness as well, and when they weren't bringing me happiness either, I started to feel like I am a bad mother and a bad partner, like I was in the wrong. But I was wrong NO ONE can bring you the happiness you seek except yourself. It's not up to your partner to bring you happiness, it's not up to your kids either. Happiness is a gift that you have to find within, it's an emotion that you and only you can create for yourself. I feel like so many people make this common mistake with each other that this has become the societal norm, it's the normalcy of thinking that this is the right way to love when in fact it is a part of ego-driven love, and we know from earlier readings that this is not pure love.

In your life what are some ways you can take a look inside of yourself and see where the change needs to come from? Is there anything that you feel that you need to work on or just improve? Is there anything that you maybe be willing to share in the comments below? Who will be the brave person to be willing to put yourself out there to say "Hey this is what I need to work on?

Follow along on my journey to self discovery. Feel free to let me know what you thought of this read, did you find it helpful?



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