So with everything that I had going on in my life at the time I was overwhelmed and severely stressed out and I was at a point where I had made a plan and I was almost ready to write notes to certain friends and family members explaining my choices. I was on the verge and there was nothing anyone could say to me that was going to make it better in my life. I was tired, I had been crying out for help and it seemed NO one was answering me, or seeming to hear my cries. I was lost and felt like I was alone even though I had counselors, therapists, psychologists, and every medicine you could think of from depression to anxiety, to manic episodes. My life was spiraling and it was spiraling fast, and it was nothing I could do to stop it. It felt as if I was carrying 5 tons on my chest and like I was dragging 3 kids on each leg. My fears took over, my anxiety started to become so disrespectful that I knew if I did not end my life, my body would. I started to stay awake at night out of fear that my heart would stop, during the day I was sluggish and exhausted, I was always on edge of what might happen next, in fear of the dark, but here I was running towards what seemed like my eternal doom. My mind would race for hours knowing that taking my life would only leave turmoil and heartbreak for those that truly loved me. My kids how would my choice affect them as adults? What would they feel? Would they still love me? Would they hate me? What would life be like for them? I would miss their first dance, prom, high school graduation, and college. I would miss out on so many things. How would Ricky feel? The pain of loss at this cost when she has already felt this type of pain of a spouse, but this time not by an illness, but through my own hands. How can I say that I am working on my family and yet I am waiting on the day, the right time to put my plan into action. I was running for my life and yet I was going nowhere, the pressure to get it together, the pressure to be a good mommy, and take care of the home. But here I was tired of it all, tired of being a mommy and a wife, and I had no one who could truly understand what I was going through. I eventually became so paranoid that I was afraid to drive, out of fear that I would press the gas pedal and just run right into traffic, but what about the innocent lives that I will affect or take? What if I survive and I am left knowing that I took a life, and now my actions have not only left my family destroyed but I have given a lifetime death sentence to another family that did not deserve my actions, and now they must live with the loss at the highest cost and pain levels, all because I was ready to quit and give up. DAMN IT.
I was at a crossroads, I wanted to die, but I wanted to live also. All I knew was that I was sick and tired of the things that were going on in my life. I was to afraid tell anyone out of fear that they would label me suicidal (I was), weak and selfish. I wanted to tell Ricky what was going on but in no way did I want her to think that I was selfish or thinking that It was wrong of me to have these feelings. I definitely did not want to tell my therapist as she would have pulled up on me so fast with all of her cop/sheriff friends (she is retired now). I'm sure someone reading this will say "I would have prayed myself better." I DID, I fasted, prayed, and fasted some more until it hurt. I was tired of praying, I was tired of reaching out to what seemed like no one would reply back. (it was at this point I was like "Okay Okay God I know you are sick and tired of me and my B.S., hell I'm tired of myself, but just send me a sign, send me a message in a bottle. I follow you on Instagram shoot me a DM, ill reply.")
I called my Psychologist, and told her that I needed to change my depression and anxiety drugs, inside I was scared to death of myself. She asked me a few questions in order to know which medicine would work best for me, and I methodically dodge any answers to not arouse any suspicions she may have gotten. I was existing and not living, I was just going through the motions in life. What made it worse was that when I would finally reach back out to friends to tell them in a brief and modified way what was going on, I got the worse blowbacks, not support. Not acceptance that I was doing what was needed to grow, but that I was selfish in falling off. It made my anxiety worse and I really shut down. I sat in and I felt like my own shit for days, weeks, friends that I had reconnected with I stopped texting and talking, I cut off contact with family, and I even stopped going outside. How was it that someone who seemed to have it all, had NOTHING? I was so smitten with the shit that I sat there and wallowed in it, and then it started to itch. WELL THAT DID IT..........
YEAP THAT ITCH GOT ME..... Ya'll thought I was going to say I had an epiphany or that I read some article from a writer that has never walked in my shoes or even dealt with any type of depression or anxiety a day in their life. What do I look like? (to those that know me, DON'T reply in the comment section) No, I decided I was going to do the work to get out of my hole. I knew that I had the tools to get this and so I went to work. I went to Chicago for two weeks for an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) that focuses on military-related issues and traumas. It was a game-changer I met the most amazing group of men and we all formed an amazing bond. At the very beginning, they tell you to not discuss your therapy sessions among the group as everyone is dealing with traumas that may trigger another person. Well, they noticed that no one was making any strides to better themselves, UNTIL we started to talk to each other, we started helping each other out, opening up to each other, and telling things that we had never spoken of. It was beautiful and then the therapists and Doctors started to notice a change in the sessions, they told us they have never had a group come in and bond so strong until our group, we made it and we helped each other out. For the first time, it felt like my battle buddies had not left me.
I then reached out to my therapist Abbie (not my real therapist name, DUH) I sent her an email and told her the truth and nothing but the whole truth. I laid it all out of there I left nothing on the table, This email was like a book, and all she replied back was "I am glad you sent this" I was like WHAT THE HELL, I sent you a book and you respond with six words. OHHHH that's it I am going off my meds until our next session and I am going to let you deal with ALL of my attitude and issues. But when we had our next session I felt a ball in my throat I wasn't sure what she would say. My therapist is one that holds me accountable, she holds me to my words and to my actions, three people strike fear in me God, Abbie, and one other that shall remain nameless just out of the fact that I believe in her other life (she may have been a hitman for the mob) OK maybe not the mob but she definitely ran the girl scouts organization and if you have ever been low on cash or had no money on you the day you saw the girl scouts selling those soul snatching cookies, then you already know just how far you are willing to go to dodge them on the way out of the store. THEY ARE RUTHLESS.... I almost gave one my driver's license and a voided check so she was assured that I would come back. Turns out she lived 3 houses down from me. Do know what it feels like when an 8 yr old rides by your house, carefully crosses the street, and then parks her bike directly in front of my house and takes off her helmet( slowly) then her Minnie Mouse shades, she grabs a juice from her basket on her bike and just sat there, and sat. I started pacing back and forth in my house, crawling on the damn floors to duck under the windows, I'm peeping through my curtains, the next thing I know THREE MORE SHOW UP... I started low crawling to get to the back door to sneak out to get in my car, I make it to my car and I put my seatbelt on, put the gear in reverse I look up to and THEY ARE BEHIND MY CAR!!!!!!! The leader or the BOSS tapped on my window and asked if I needed my license to drive because her mommy always takes hers when she leaves. I CRACKED my window and said thank you. I went to the ATM over drafted my account to get cookies. The next day she gonna yell "You like your cookies Mrs. Lei" I went into the house and cried.
IN THE NEXT EPISODE:
Coming to terms with my life and where I wanted to be versus where I was.